Jared Fogel Pumps Himself Up For His Latest Public Appearance

Do these pants make me look fat? Haha, I know, it's funny, right? I mean, you're Subway's Jared, and you used to be like super fat. Fat like you lost track of various areas of my body fat. Fat like you could see people shifting uncomfortably when they had an open seat next to them on the bus fat. Stretch marks on your chin fat.

But that was old Jared, now you're Subway's Jared, you sexy piece of ass you. That's right, the people love you. You gave them hope. You showed the world that if a man is willing to eat vegetable subs and walk every day for the rest of his life, he can triumphantly wear a 35-inch waist pair of Dockers. They're stain-resistant, you know.

You made it happen. Now the world is your oyster. You can walk into any Subway in the world, smell that sweet sting of vinegar and oil, and know that You. Are. The. Man. Remember the look on the pimply face of the kid behind the counter when he saw you walk through the door of the new Subway at the Galleria? It was awe. And respect. And I'll be god damned if you didn't inspire that kid to make the best six inch vegetable sub on Italian bread his $6-an-hour hands could possibly muster.

You knew he wasn't sure how to handle it when we reached the cash register, none of the new kids ever do. I mean, on the one hand, you just had the honor and privilege to make Jared's sub, do you dare have the gall to ask him for payment? He knew, deep down in his sandwich artist soul, how could he possibly ask the man who has done so much for Subway for money? He knew in his heart that if anything, he should be paying YOU for the right to make his sandwich. You made him a better sandwich artist and a better man that day, and he could never truly repay you. But it's alright, you handled the situation like The Man that you are. A quick snag of the bag, a finger pistol shot in his direction, and a smooth whisper of 'Eat Fresh' as you strutted out the door for the walk back home.

Yea, you didn't need to look back, you knew he just lost his mind. You know he went home and told his parents, and they lost their mind. They probably made him call up Grandma and make her lose her mind too. That's the Jared Effect, baby. Losing minds all over the world.

Shoot, I need to give Kimmie a call. Yea, Kimmie Meisner, the cute figure skater from the commercials, you know Jared is triple lutzing the bejeezus outta that. Jared selected her from rows of hopeful women, all desperately wishing for the opportunity to spend some screen time with J-Red. Hopefully get some of that Fogel Magic rubbing off on them. Shit, look at Michael Strahan. Dude's got the nerve to enter into the Less Fat/More Meat debate with me? Did he even know who was stepping into the ring with? I'm Jared Fogel, Sandwich Sage, Hoagie Ombudsman. It's LESS FAT, numbnuts. Now look where he is, messy divorce, crazy ex-wife, jacked-up teeth. Take your 'More Meat' schtick back to Blimpie, Alfred E. Newman. Now, Kimmie, I'll be more than happy to let her have more meat once I'm done blowing the minds of these kids.

Yea, you ready to make the kids at Calvin Coolidge Middle School lose their mind too? They've been waiting for this day for months. Classes are cancelled, and their butts are jammed into the seats of the auditorium/cafeteria/gymnasium. Those butts are for you, Subway man. All for you.

Alright, let's do this shit. Gimme my oversized pants.