THE BLOG HAS MOVED. CLICK HERE FOR NEW BLOG. OR HERE. THIS WILL ALSO WORK.
THERE WILL BE NO NEW UPDATES ON THIS BLOG, BUT UPDATES ON THE NEW BLOG WILL CONTINUE AS SCHEDULED, WHICH IS TO SAY NO DEFINED SCHEDULE. BUT YOUR ODDS ARE STILL BETTER THERE THAN HERE.
THERE ARE ALREADY NEW AND EXCITING THINGS OVER THERE, SO YOU BEST CHECK IT OUT.
END
Friday, June 08, 2007
HEY!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
The Big Thing
CLICK HERE FOR NEW, IMPROVED MAJORLY ENGLISH
OK, you know how I said something big is coming? Well, it's here. Sort of.
I'm thinking about switching the blog over to Wordpress, leaving the green pastures of Blogger that have been so good to me for the bright lights and big city of another provider. Sometimes kids just gotta stretch their wings, you know? Also, I couldn't make this blog not look like garbage, and Wordpress idiot-proofs that for me. Gotta have my aesthetics.
However, I've carved out a nice little niche for myself here on the Internet, and I'm afraid I'll lose a lot of that flow with the transition. No longer will I be able to ride upon the greasy back of Internet creeps looking for "hairy guys" or "INSERT CELEBRITY HERE naked," at least not until I've built up some steam at the new abode.
That being said, I also know that I do get some legitimate traffic, which is good, because otherwise there'd be no point to this entire escapade. So I know that if I pack up my ball and head elsewhere, some of you will dutifully adjust your bookmarks or whatnot to keep up.
So I'm going to go through a little trial period here. At the bottom (and top) of this post, I'll put two giant links to my new web address. If you've enjoyed your time here at Majorly English, feel free to click the link and visit the new site. Same content, new look. Also, I've already been updating it, so there's some EXCLUSIVE content over there.
I'm going to stop updating this blog. This may be the last post you'll see from me here. If it appears that I'll be able to weather the transition without entirely losing my traffic, you can look forward to a bigger and better blog over at Wordpress. Of course, if nobody decides to accept the transition, I'll return back here with my tail between my legs, ashamed and browbeaten. Please don't do that, my brow can't take it.
OK, enough chitchat, time to make with the links. E-mail me or drop me a comment if you have any questions/opinions/suggestions. I love you all.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Something Big Is Coming
Loyal blog readers, stay tuned. Massive overhaul coming for Majorly English. Get your bookmarkin' fingers ready.
Oh, and my apologies to all you misguided Google Image Searchers. This gravy train is about the reach the station.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
As Global as the United Nations, and about as Effective
I watched some of the Miss Universe Pageant last night. I'm not sure what happened, I saw Mario Lopez and Vanessa Manillowafer reading awkward banter from a teleprompter, and you and I both know that any Mario Lopez banter, awkwardly forced for a paycheck or not, is banter worth paying attention to. That being said, before I knew it, I was taken on a whirlwind journey across the globe as several statuesque beauties displayed the cornucopia of cultures that exists in this Big Ball of Wet we call home. For example, did you know some of the Miss INSERT COUNTRY HERE had blonde hair? On the other hand, some of them had brown hair! It's multi-culturalism at its bleached-toothed best.
The entire affair took place in Mexico City, so the festivities were dubbed Miss Universe MEXICO 2007! Like most things once American now transplanted South of the Border, it all felt somewhat cheapened, a little off the mark, and there was a palpable potential that if you got too close to it, you could catch malaria or some other exotic ailment. Nonetheless, the pageant saw a cacophony of celebrity judges, including Field Goal Holder in Training Tony Romo and some guy from Telemundo. He may be one of those guys that play fully-grown babies, I'm not sure. Celebrities shining so bright that between them and the contestants' teeth, you had enough light that we didn't have to worry for a few brief hours about the inevitable burning out of the sun and death of our planet millions of years from now.
Naturally, Miss USA was tearing shit up, smiling the pants off the amateurs from the Czech Republic and Herzegovina. I learned that she loved journalism, because words are so cute. She was doing great, reminding the world that once again the United States has got this shit on lock. down.
But then this happened:
Aand here's Miss Denmark with her special talent: walking!
The entire butt-thumping affair just seems so creepy to me. It really creates an entire Stepford Wives feel to the pageant, that these gleaming, coiffed, always smiling automatons are incapable of human emotion until they are united with the Tiara of Feelings. Needless to say, Miss USA didn't win the pageant. Sure, she remained composed despite the setback, but a lot of good it did her. I'm confident that she would have been better off rolling with the punches and engaging in some old school breakdancing right then and there. Point me to a single occasion where breakdancing doesn't improve an event? Birthday parties? Retirement celebrations? Funerals of former heads of state? Thought so.
Oh, and apparently Miss Japan won the title of Miss Universe. Hoo. Ray.
A Blog Introspective
Sorry for the complete lack of posting in the recent weeks, loyal few. I started a new job, and am currently in the last throes of planning my wedding (you have no idea how exhausting it is to watch your fiancee plan all the important details, while you extensively muse over your 'homework,' trying to decide if the song from Ferris Bueller [the one that goes ooooohhhh, yea...doodoodoo] or ZZ Top's "Legs" is more delightfully tacky for the garter removal.)
That all being said, that's why I haven't been posting lately. It's not because we've just drifted apart, or that I want to see other procrastination techiques, things have just been crazy lately, sugar pie, but I promise I'm coming on back to you.& You're the only blog in the world for me. 'Cept for any other one that would want me to write for them. A blogger's gotta blog, know what I'm sayin'?
Anyways, more posts to come in the future. Don't give up on this blog yet, dammit, it's not it's time!
That all being said, that's why I haven't been posting lately. It's not because we've just drifted apart, or that I want to see other procrastination techiques, things have just been crazy lately, sugar pie, but I promise I'm coming on back to you.& You're the only blog in the world for me. 'Cept for any other one that would want me to write for them. A blogger's gotta blog, know what I'm sayin'?
Anyways, more posts to come in the future. Don't give up on this blog yet, dammit, it's not it's time!
Note to Ellen Degeneres: Please Leave the Hips of Our Nation's Housewives Alone
I’ve got no problems with Ellen Degeneres. She’s more often funny than not in that “neurotic, insecure 6th grade Social Studies teacher” kind of way, and she’s not afraid to be an unabashed lesbian, proudly gripping the waistband of a sensible yet trendy yet flattering pantsuit, casting aside the patriarchal heels of heterosexuality and opting for the comfortable “I am who I am” sneaks. I don’t even begrudge her too much for having a talk show, which as far as I’m concerned is the last respite for human sanity and dignity, where both desperately attempt to cling to the edge of oblivion while listening to celebrities rehash pre-approved talking points in attempts to up their royalty checks/get their corporate puppetmasters off their waxed backs. I’m convinced that the shining visage of Dr. Phil’s bulbous noggin and sharklike row upon row of his horse-teeth will forever haunt me in my dreams, escapable only by the comforting grip of death, be it his or mine. Most likely mine, due to syndication rights. But hey, Ellen’s gotta make sure Ellen gets paid, right? I’d gladly laugh my ass off at the latest quip by William H. Macy or Chris Daughtry if I can dry my tears with a big fat paycheck whose memo says “DANG SON, YOU GOTS PAID”
I won’t hold any of this against Ellen Degeneres, lesbo laugh machine. However, I will unnaturally hold against her her desire to force all 40-something white women to dance about in a fashion that can only be described as “uncomfortable” and “wrong, just wrong.” These housewives, slathered in SPF 80, tickled pink to get away a while from Joliet, Illinois, to visit the bright lights of Southern California, are so inundated with the glitz and glamour (they saw Evan Marriott at the Hard Rock Café! They don’t usually tip bus boys, but there’s always room for an exception) that they don’t realize that they would never spastically gyrate and jerk in that fashion in their own homes, in the bathroom, with the shower curtain drawn, lights off, and husband off to the Gary, Indiana, Port-O-John and Excretory Technology Expo for the weekend, let alone on national television watched by thousands of other bored 40-somethings.
I don’t make Ellen Degeneres make out with me. I respect her natural inclinations towards other women, and have no desire to force my own perspective on what is normal and sometimes sexy. Then why does she get off making overly enthusiastic Wal-Mart greeters and their now-forever resentful husbands twist their hips to music that even the young adolescents who work in the Electronics department haven’t heard yet. Jerry Springer making two midgets fight each other for the love of an exhibitionist nun who is a gay transsexual is more natural than watching these loaves of Melba Toast attempt to remember how Lawrence Welk told them to get down when they still had two human hips.
Ellen, please. I’m not even home jobless to watch this concentration camp of rhythm anymore, and I still get night sweats knowing it just exists out there, on film, waiting to be dug up by Martian anthropologists trying to determine what went so wrong. Just stop. Would it help if I got your buddy Jeremy Piven on the phone with a request to “hug it out, bitch”? I’m not sure if lesbians can “hug it out,” but I can look into it.
Friday, May 11, 2007
More Meat: Jared Fogel, Ex-Pornography Tycoon
Apparently my attempt to attach a lecherous and skeezy attitude to a presumed innocuous celebrity may not have been that misguided after all.
From Best Week Ever:
Well, it turns out in college, the All-American Jared was known for something entirely different. According to our source, while studying at Indiana University, Fogle ran a very successful pornography rental company out of his bedroom. His porn collection was vast and extensive, and Fogle took his business pretty seriously. A video would run a patron a dollar a day (cheap!), and people would come from all over to take advantage of the deal. Needless to say, Jared had enough porn to keep his customers happy.
As far as his incredible weight loss goes, it turns out it wasn’t as motivated as you would think. In fact, what got Jared hooked on Subway in the first place was laziness. The sandwich chain had opened a branch on the first floor of Jared’s dorm, and what with his busy porn company, Jared began eating the sandwiches out of extreme laziness. It was the closest fast food available! Just imagine how different our lives would be if an Arby’s had opened up there instead? We’d probably be watching Jared on some TLC special about how he hasn’t gotten out of bed for 6 years. Though, we imagine his right arm would still be in tip-top shape.
Huh. So Jared Fogel is living a lie, in that he lucked into his now average BMI because the only somewhat healthy fast food chain on the planet happened to be within spitting distance of his successful DIY pornography rental service.
I'm sure Michael Strahan is heartbroken. He probably doesn't know who to trust in this crazy world anymore.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Bill Richardson Has a Sense of Humor, Somehow Reminds Me of Droopy Dog
Bill Richardson is the governor of New Mexico. He is also running for President of the United States. He won't win, but he probably has every right to hold the position. Maybe he'd make a good Vice President, and then he could be my neighbor. Couldn't be any worse than Dick Cheney. Dude lets his shrubs get out of control, and didn't even send regrets to my block party invitation.
Fire Bad! Except When It's Oh So Good
This contraption is needlessly complicated, completely pointless and could kill you if you got too close to it. Like the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Or a shark with a jet pack.
Nonetheless, I'm sure the guys who whipped this up are some righteous dudes. It's too bad they're all assuredly dead by now.
Death Row Inmate Requests Pizza for Homeless As Last Meal
Actually a pretty cool story out of Tennessee today. Philip Workman, a death row inmate, requested vegetarian pizza for his last meal. However, he wanted the pizza to be given to a homeless shelter. For some reason, the prison denied, but the story apparently got out, and now people from all over the country are donating pizza to homeless shelters in TN.
Workman's bequest sends pizza to homeless - Nashville, Tennessee - Thursday, 05/10/07 - Tennessean.com
"If this guy wants to show a redemptive act at the end, then we oughtIt's easy to roll eyes at all the creeps and sickos on Death Row who claim to have found religion or something like that. But you've got to tip your cap to this guy, who actually seems to have touched some people.
to encourage that, especially because by denying the request, you're
actually denying some poor homeless guy a pizza," said Ian Punnett of
WFMT.
Workman's bequest sends pizza to homeless - Nashville, Tennessee - Thursday, 05/10/07 - Tennessean.com
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
The Terrorists Haven't Won Yet
Fergie kept it clean, Franklin kept it cool, and the stylin' student body enjoyed an after-school special they'll long remember.
And everyone looked terrific.
What else would you expect from the West's "most glamorous high school?"
Franklin High School students, who have long prided themselves on their
fashion sense, recently beat out seven other high schools in the
Western U.S. to claim the title of "most glamorous." Their triumph came
in a Verizon Wireless contest tied to the pop/hip-hop singer's first
solo tour.
Fergie rewards Franklin in royal fashion
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)